Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Call up to Heaven

"Oh I want to scream out loud
That there is nothing wrong
With saying your name
A million times
I write it in a song
And sing it up to heaven
For you to hear
A million times"

18 months. It feels so strange to say that I've made it this far. I no longer count the days, or the weeks or the months, but I guess I still think about the big dates. It's not like I feel that I am actively grieving anymore, but I still acknowledge the date in my mind. The memories have become a bittersweet mix of longing for what I've lost, as well as a happiness for the good times I did have. The memories can bring a smile as much as a tear to my eye.... though I still feel the sting in my face. But I can blink these tears away, and come back to the present as quickly as I let my mind wander to the past.

My late husband lived in a world of music. He used to spend hours, day and night, working in front of his computer. And while he worked he would listen to music. Over time I came to know the songs and the music he most loved to work to.... the sound of these had become so familiar that I only have to hear an opening beat of a song and I am instantly transported to another time and another place. After he died I inherited his computer and I started to play his music. At first I gravitated to the familiar, the songs that reminded me of him, and made me feel that he was still with me. Over time I began to listen to a more random selection of the thousands and thousands of songs he had. Some things were surprising, and it was certainly eclectic, just like he was. I found a release in the music that I don't think other mediums can duplicate.... a certain song or lyric would speak directly to me in a way that at times I felt like he was talking to me through his music. I felt this connection to a very personal and intimate part of him that I was never even fully aware of while he was alive. I think this is why over the course of my grieving I have felt the need to express myself through music.... whether it is a song, or a particular lyric, or just a feeling that you get from listening to it, music can sometimes give the world a glimpse of what we are feeling in a way that words cannot always express. This is why I found it fitting when I found this one in his music library:

I wish there was a way to call up to heaven. If there was I could tell you how very much you are still missed and always on my mind. Although the pain subsides, my love never will. I will keep your memory in my heart for the rest of my life. I hope you are at peace now, and wherever you are that you still can hear the music. Love you.

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