Movement

"I hear the clock, it's six a.m.-- I feel so far from where I've been"

I've had this line from Jewel's song going through my head all day....

I know it is a breakup song, but not so many people write music about when the person you love dies, but most of these songs fit my mood fairly well, since death is sort of like the biggest breakup possible, huh?

I don't know if it is the weather, or the fact that I am so tired I can barely keep my eyes open, or the fact that lately no matter how exhausted I am I lay awake at night with my mind going a hundred miles a minute.

I've been feeling so very far away.

I am extremely happy for where my life has been going. I feel like I have, in many respects, come so far in my efforts to pick up and rebuild my life. I have started a new life, one I am very grateful for every single day. I have a job I love, good friends, a wonderful boyfriend..... so many good things in my life. So many times these days, I don't even think about the girl I used to be. And maybe that is why -- why when I do stop and think about things, I realize that I am moving farther away from where I came, and that means farther away from him. Sometimes my husband feels like a dream I had, but not really someone that was ever here in my real life.

"Dreams last so long, even after you're gone"

I want to hold on so badly, but the more I keep moving forward, the more he seems to slip away from me. Soon he will have been gone longer than we were married, and eventually will come the day that he will have been gone longer than I knew him. That is the problem -- as long as I keep on living, he will still be dead. And the day will come where I am older than he will ever get to be..... and I can't help but think about these things. And it makes me miss him all over again -- because I can't hold on. I can't keep him as close as he was, because in time the memory becomes further and further in my past, and my present keeps moving on....

So today, I will go ahead and let myself miss him. Because in a way, that keeps his memory fresh, and that is as close to me as I get to keep him anymore.

I hear the clock, it's six a.m.
I feel so far from where I've been
I got my eggs I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but you.
I break the yolks, make a smiley face
I kinda like it in my brand new place
I wipe the spots off the mirror
Don't leave the keys in the door
Never put wet towels on the floor anymore' cause

Dreams last so long
even after you're gone
I know you love me
And soon you will see
You were meant for me
And I was meant for you.

I called my momma, she was out for a walk
Consoled a cup of coffee but it didn't wanna talk
So I picked up a paper, it was more bad news
More hearts being broken or people being used
Put on my coat in the pouring rain
I saw a movie it just wasn't the same
'Cause it was happy or I was sad
It made me miss you oh so bad 'cause

Dreams last so long
even after you're gone
I know you love me
And soon you will see
You were meant for me
And I was meant for you.

I go about my business, I'm doing fine
Besides what would I say if I had you on the line
Same old story, not much to say
Hearts are broken, everyday.
I brush my teeth and put the cap back on
I know you hate it when I leave the light on
I pick a book up. Turn the sheets down.
And then I take a deep breath and a good look around
Put on my pjs and hop into bed
I'm half alive but I feel mostly dead
I try and tell myself it'll be all right
I just shouldn't think anymore tonight 'cause

Dreams last so long
even after you're gone
I know you love me
And soon you will see
You were meant for me
And I was meant for you.

Yeah... You were meant for me and I was meant for you.

I am Widow....

This will just be a short post about something that has been bothering me again lately -- I have some longer ones in the works, but am still trying to get them to sound the way I want them too. Sometimes I find it hard to find the right words to express what it is I want to say, so it may be a minute before I get some new posts up.

What has been bugging me today is the very identity I wear -- that of "widow." At first I very much was afraid of such an identity, wanting to hold on as long as possible to the feeling of being married, and that of a wife. How could I be a wife without a husband? I reluctantly took on the name of widow....

After all, this is who I am. I was a wife, whose marriage ended not by any person's choosing, not in divorce, but in death. An ending more familiar to perhaps my grandparents or great-grandparent's generations, especially for someone my age. Yet, by the very vows I took on my wedding -- it was over. However, this is far, far different from saying that it never existed.

Which brings me to what has once again been bothering me: the word "single." No, I am NOT single. Single belongs to those who were never married.... single is for those whose boyfriends dumped them..... single is for the me that existed before I became a fiance and later a wife. I cannot, and would not want to be "single" again. And yet, there I was, filling out forms in my doctor's office again, and once again faced the choice of choosing: single, married, divorced. That's it. Three choices. I am neither. I am a widow.

To me this is the epitome of ignorance and disrespect. It disrespects my late husband. It disrespects my marriage. It treats it like it never existed. And why is this? Why do divorced people still get to identify themselves as unique -- they who CHOSE how their marriage ended, get to still claim it as a part of their history, but those of us whose marriages ended not by our choice, and for most of us while we were still in love with that person, we aren't allowed to still claim it.

It is especially ignorant to be faced with this from a medical provider. After all, statistics will back me up on this -- widows and widowers face all sorts of very real, physical problems because of what we have been through. We are a high-risk group for all sorts of health issues from depression, to anxiety, PTSD, heart disease, high-blood pressure, etc., etc. Just the very fact I was widowed cuts my life expectancy significantly -- no matter how well I seemingly cope & recover from the loss. You would THINK that an F'in doctor would want to be aware of this fact so they could pay attention to warning signs that all may not be ok, and could intervene early if needed.

I know that I am not the first person to complain about this. And yet our collective voices seem to be ignored. When I first went to this particular doctor, I scribbled out all the options and wrote my own : WIDOWED. This last visit I noticed that they have decided for me that I should be labeled "single." Well.... to put it bluntly, fuck that. I am never going back to this doctor. I will write her office a letter explaining this very issue to them and then change providers. You see I am still angry about this issue, no matter how much time goes by, and since my voice is ignored I will exercise my wallet and not give any money to any stupid son of a bitch that ignores what I have tried to tell them, no matter who they are. Because I will not put up with anyone, ANYONE who tries to tell me that my marriage, or my husband did not matter.......

Today I am proud to say that I was married to the man who was my husband. And I did not end this by my choice. I have lived through the hell that his death put me through and have made it out the other side. I carry the scars both inside and out from the experience. I may have decided to move forward with my life, and at some point I will likely re-marry (in which case I won't technically be able to claim this as my status anymore), but until that day comes, do NOT ever call me single, because I am a WIDOW.