Movement

"I hear the clock, it's six a.m.-- I feel so far from where I've been"

I've had this line from Jewel's song going through my head all day....

I know it is a breakup song, but not so many people write music about when the person you love dies, but most of these songs fit my mood fairly well, since death is sort of like the biggest breakup possible, huh?

I don't know if it is the weather, or the fact that I am so tired I can barely keep my eyes open, or the fact that lately no matter how exhausted I am I lay awake at night with my mind going a hundred miles a minute.

I've been feeling so very far away.

I am extremely happy for where my life has been going. I feel like I have, in many respects, come so far in my efforts to pick up and rebuild my life. I have started a new life, one I am very grateful for every single day. I have a job I love, good friends, a wonderful boyfriend..... so many good things in my life. So many times these days, I don't even think about the girl I used to be. And maybe that is why -- why when I do stop and think about things, I realize that I am moving farther away from where I came, and that means farther away from him. Sometimes my husband feels like a dream I had, but not really someone that was ever here in my real life.

"Dreams last so long, even after you're gone"

I want to hold on so badly, but the more I keep moving forward, the more he seems to slip away from me. Soon he will have been gone longer than we were married, and eventually will come the day that he will have been gone longer than I knew him. That is the problem -- as long as I keep on living, he will still be dead. And the day will come where I am older than he will ever get to be..... and I can't help but think about these things. And it makes me miss him all over again -- because I can't hold on. I can't keep him as close as he was, because in time the memory becomes further and further in my past, and my present keeps moving on....

So today, I will go ahead and let myself miss him. Because in a way, that keeps his memory fresh, and that is as close to me as I get to keep him anymore.

I hear the clock, it's six a.m.
I feel so far from where I've been
I got my eggs I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but you.
I break the yolks, make a smiley face
I kinda like it in my brand new place
I wipe the spots off the mirror
Don't leave the keys in the door
Never put wet towels on the floor anymore' cause

Dreams last so long
even after you're gone
I know you love me
And soon you will see
You were meant for me
And I was meant for you.

I called my momma, she was out for a walk
Consoled a cup of coffee but it didn't wanna talk
So I picked up a paper, it was more bad news
More hearts being broken or people being used
Put on my coat in the pouring rain
I saw a movie it just wasn't the same
'Cause it was happy or I was sad
It made me miss you oh so bad 'cause

Dreams last so long
even after you're gone
I know you love me
And soon you will see
You were meant for me
And I was meant for you.

I go about my business, I'm doing fine
Besides what would I say if I had you on the line
Same old story, not much to say
Hearts are broken, everyday.
I brush my teeth and put the cap back on
I know you hate it when I leave the light on
I pick a book up. Turn the sheets down.
And then I take a deep breath and a good look around
Put on my pjs and hop into bed
I'm half alive but I feel mostly dead
I try and tell myself it'll be all right
I just shouldn't think anymore tonight 'cause

Dreams last so long
even after you're gone
I know you love me
And soon you will see
You were meant for me
And I was meant for you.

Yeah... You were meant for me and I was meant for you.